Sunday, March 8, 2009

Lonely

The truth will out.

Today I was very lazy. I had homework to do: Reading for history, sketching for art, etc. I had several un-finished books I could have read. I even had movie-rentals to watch, if I felt like doing something that didn't require too much mental exercise.

Instead, I spent all day... sleeping in, flirting with a fellow-blogger, and walking aimlessly around my neighborhood. And I blogged. But really, I did nothing. As a result, I felt nothing... well, almost nothing. And then something awful happened, I watched last Thursday's Ugly Betty. This show usually is not one to make me so depressed that I feel inclined to rip out my heart and throw it at the gates of hell (yes, hell is gated), but tonight it so was.

---Thursday's episode of Ugly Betty: in which, we the audience begin to discover what an amazing person this Matt character is, and witness the first kiss of Matt and Betty. It is a kiss in the Ugly Betty hand - innocent, sweet, free of sleezy pretense.---

If you're at all confused as to why this would bother me, please read my previous post. if you are too lazy/impatient to read said post, I can't/won't help you.

On the other hand, there is this explanation as well:

Not being one to settle for being in a relationship I don't really want, with someone I'm not really that into, I have led my entire life without the presence of a boyfriend. Booh-hoo, so sad, whatever. The point is that I'm lonely, and I'm not afraid to admit it, or at least I shouldn't be. I want to want someone. And I want that someone to want me back. When I get done doing whatever it is that I have to do in a day, I want to be able to joke around, talk to, and be with this person. I want to really know them, and I want them to really know me. And yes, I want to have amazing sex.

Lately I have been focused on the whole absence-of-sex thing as being my main problem. As in, perhaps if I was a little less frustrated I wouldn't have this nagging in my brain/heart/body. Being a non-slutty virgin who in all honesty will probably wait until marriage, though, has left me pretty powerless/unwilling to solve said frustration.

And then tonight I inevitably realized that the sex thing was very simply not it. Or, at least, not all of it.

But my God, the quick-fix just looks so damn appealing sometimes.

5 comments:

  1. I have a love hate relationship with betty.. I knwo the episode you are talkign about I watched it last night.. I love betty, I love what she does, how she does it, how lovely, sweet and kind she is but what i hate is how I feel when the episode is close to finishing as everyone seems so content and happy.. Bastards.

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  2. I'm lonely too, but by virtue of living in the middle of no where, and the inability (it's intentional) to keep friends.

    Sex has never really been an issue, but I do often go a while without it. But I do tend to lack the intimacy that a girlfriend, or close friends provide (I don't mean in a sexual way in this case).

    'Non-slutty virgin', I like the phrasing. What's the alternative? :P

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  3. Emmie: Thank you, you really said it all! I always come away from that show feeling slightly ashamed of all my complexities... like, damnit, why can't I just be like Betty and be good and happy?!

    Sebastian: So I'm not the only one? I had a vague suspicion. There seems to be a sort of stigma associated with loneliness though... I don't know if that's the same everywhere, or if Californians are just expected to be happier :)

    The altenative to being a non-slutty virgin? Whoring it up, I guess. Or did you mean I could be a virgin and slutty at the same time? Because believe me, that's possible.

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  4. It's appealing, but it could also just leave you feeling dirty and used. I so got to 'do nothing' one of these days.

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Come on, tell me how you really feel!