Sunday, March 8, 2009


The truth will out.

Today I was very lazy. I had homework to do: Reading for history, sketching for art, etc. I had several un-finished books I could have read. I even had movie-rentals to watch, if I felt like doing something that didn't require too much mental exercise.

Instead, I spent all day... sleeping in, flirting with a fellow-blogger, and walking aimlessly around my neighborhood. And I blogged. But really, I did nothing. As a result, I felt nothing... well, almost nothing. And then something awful happened, I watched last Thursday's Ugly Betty. This show usually is not one to make me so depressed that I feel inclined to rip out my heart and throw it at the gates of hell (yes, hell is gated), but tonight it so was.

---Thursday's episode of Ugly Betty: in which, we the audience begin to discover what an amazing person this Matt character is, and witness the first kiss of Matt and Betty. It is a kiss in the Ugly Betty hand - innocent, sweet, free of sleezy pretense.---

If you're at all confused as to why this would bother me, please read my previous post. if you are too lazy/impatient to read said post, I can't/won't help you.

On the other hand, there is this explanation as well:

Not being one to settle for being in a relationship I don't really want, with someone I'm not really that into, I have led my entire life without the presence of a boyfriend. Booh-hoo, so sad, whatever. The point is that I'm lonely, and I'm not afraid to admit it, or at least I shouldn't be. I want to want someone. And I want that someone to want me back. When I get done doing whatever it is that I have to do in a day, I want to be able to joke around, talk to, and be with this person. I want to really know them, and I want them to really know me. And yes, I want to have amazing sex.

Lately I have been focused on the whole absence-of-sex thing as being my main problem. As in, perhaps if I was a little less frustrated I wouldn't have this nagging in my brain/heart/body. Being a non-slutty virgin who in all honesty will probably wait until marriage, though, has left me pretty powerless/unwilling to solve said frustration.

And then tonight I inevitably realized that the sex thing was very simply not it. Or, at least, not all of it.

But my God, the quick-fix just looks so damn appealing sometimes.


  1. I have a love hate relationship with betty.. I knwo the episode you are talkign about I watched it last night.. I love betty, I love what she does, how she does it, how lovely, sweet and kind she is but what i hate is how I feel when the episode is close to finishing as everyone seems so content and happy.. Bastards.

  2. I'm lonely too, but by virtue of living in the middle of no where, and the inability (it's intentional) to keep friends.

    Sex has never really been an issue, but I do often go a while without it. But I do tend to lack the intimacy that a girlfriend, or close friends provide (I don't mean in a sexual way in this case).

    'Non-slutty virgin', I like the phrasing. What's the alternative? :P

  3. Emmie: Thank you, you really said it all! I always come away from that show feeling slightly ashamed of all my complexities... like, damnit, why can't I just be like Betty and be good and happy?!

    Sebastian: So I'm not the only one? I had a vague suspicion. There seems to be a sort of stigma associated with loneliness though... I don't know if that's the same everywhere, or if Californians are just expected to be happier :)

    The altenative to being a non-slutty virgin? Whoring it up, I guess. Or did you mean I could be a virgin and slutty at the same time? Because believe me, that's possible.

  4. It's appealing, but it could also just leave you feeling dirty and used. I so got to 'do nothing' one of these days.


Come on, tell me how you really feel!