Fakeness

For those of you who follow my blog, I realize there's a lot you're still in the proverbial dark about. Things like, say, my mad crush oh The Coworker (which is now less mad and more fun.) Yes, I've told you I have a crush, I've told you I think he's the hottest thing since french toast (sorry), I've even told you about my bordering-on-overtly-maternal need to make sure he's taken care of.... but there's still a lot I haven't told you.

For example, did I ever tell you that we have a (rather elaborate) running joke in which he is my fake husband? No? I didn't think so.

---- For the record, I did not come up with this joke, (he actually started it on his own after referring to "our kids" in a myspace chat,) nor have a ever (intentionally) brought up, made reference to, or in any other way initiated said joke ----

Tonight was not a night I was meant to be at work; however, a certain perpetually sick employee made it necessary for me to come in anyway. Let's just say I wasn't happy about it. Luckily for me, the term "work" was in very loose translation tonight, while the term "flirting" was much more adequately applied.

It all started when The Coworker and I were texting about a certain heavy box that he was supposed to take to the dumpster after closing. He was a little irritated at our manager for not letting him take it earlier, to which I responded by saying, "aww, don't be mad hooooney!" which in turn led to one of our many conversations in which neither of us knows what the other is talking about (apparently he didn't know that "hooooney" is just a really long way of saying "honey.") When I pointed this out, he responded by saying,

"Does this mean the usual makeup sex?"

Which sparked a rather long back-and-forth about what he was going to have to do to get me into bed (hire a babysitter, serenade me), why Viagra would not be necessary (I told him I was still as hot as ever), and the probability that I wouldn't kick him out of bed (even though he had clearly gone insane.)

The hypotheticals were very welcome for many reasons, one ultimately important one being that it kept me from being bored (a near impossible feat in Touristville.) But we must remember that this was all an elaborate joke - completely devoid of reality, not even remotely romantic, and (probably) never to be mentioned again.

But hey, it's nice to pretend. Even when your pretendings have you married off to a lazy SOB who thinks flexing his ass is going to impress you.

Victory Is Mine

I have been very, very bad. I have neglected my poor blog. And all of you. I would apologize, but it's honestly getting a little old.

Sooooo.... Instead I will tell you all about my awesome fake weekend. Mainly Tuesday, er yesterday. Jesus, I'm tired. Has it really only been a day since then? Anyway, on Tuesday, a very special person named A.C. Newman dropped by my town to play some very choice music. It was awesome. And choice. Did I mention I'm very tired? That would be for the very good reason that I hardly slept last night. And not because I didn't have the opportunity, but rather because I was too full of, um, adrenaline. (Right?)

This might be a good time to mention that The Coworker was among the people in to see the show last night. (Yes, you're starting to understand now, aren't you?) And no, "nothing happened," just to get that clear straight off. But then, even when nothing happens, some things do happen... Things like: my outfit being really hot (especially the shoes, although at the end of the night I could not feel my feet!); the car being far too small to fit all of us, leading to the all time record closeness of one crusher (me) and one crushee (him); a text after reaching home that informed me I had smelled nice (success!); and a lot, a lot of dancing around like a lunatic with Edie-girl (this probably did not score me any points with the serious-musician set, but I do not care!)

All in all, it was a pretty record night, and I was able to completely shirk off any residual feelings of needing him to like me, which felt amazing. Also, I was able to fully appreciate our (flirtatiously?) antagonistic way of relating to each other on the ride home, which was way more fun than I ever remembering it being... probably because I was only concerned with having fun and didn't care if I was annoying him (OMG, I won sooo many fake fights last night. Victory feels so so nice.)

And for those of you in the know, apparently my little "harsh" reaction to the Second-Saturday blow-off actually worked. Because really, I would never have know that A.C. Newman was playing if The Coworker hadn't invited me. Twice.

In all honesty, yes, I have gotten a little carried away since the (rather small) events of last night... fantasies/wonderings-about what it would be like if we were to be in a relationship (fun, but a bit of work really), and all that checking-of-the-phone-to-see-if-he's-sent-a-text thing that we should all be so keen to avoid. But in reality, I know nothing's changed. And that's okay, because I'm better than this. And thank God, I finally know it.

Where For Art Though, Duckie?

As women, we have been genetically programmed to seek out a mate with whom to breed a superior spawn. Or so they say. See, physical attributes, though appealing (at times) do very little to inform us of that one key thing - CHARACTER. Which is why, after careful consideration (I kid), I have decided to become more... wait for it... OPEN MINDED!!! (There's also a chance that a re-viewing of a certain iconic 80's movie has swayed my thinking. Let's just say I don't need a major appliance.)

Which brings me to.... My Obsession of the Week: Nerds!

Or should I say, Hollywood nerds?

Here are a few of my faves - - -


Nerds are amazing for many reasons, one of which is, they do not think they're cool (okay, some do... but for the sake of this blog we're going to pretend that isn't true), which means - less arrogance over all - which, let's face it, is a rare commodity.

Also, they will LUUUUV you! Traditionally speaking, when a nerd falls, he falls hard! No more guessing whether or not the guy likes you... if the guy in question is a nerd, chances are he's already told you... several times.

And last but not least, they listen. That is, if you can somehow manage to veer the conversation away from World of Warcraft, Fables, and the mythology of Star Wars. (Guys, if you're out there, don't be offended - you know I love you.)

So girls, next time you're walking around thinking, "Hey, who should I procreate with?" be smart, see a nerd.

Obsession Sunday

To make sure that I update my blog more frequently (i.e. at least once a week) I am starting a weekly extravaganza of monumental proportions circulating around my rather impressive list of interests. Orrrrrr, I am going to obsess about things I'm obsessed about!

Today's obsession? Fairy tales!!!
I know what you're thinking - totally sexist, blah, blah, unrealistic, blah, blah, Disney ate my baby. Well, to start, I am not talking about Disney. Okay? Okay! Second, fairy tales are awesome, and here's why:

1. The illustrations... are gorgeous! (Tried uploading a couple, but unfortunately I am having trouble. Sorry!)

2. They are completely vicious. A common punishment for treachery against the heroine is loss of eyes, via ravenous birds. Ouch.

3. Creepy, creepy, creepy. Whoever said children's stories should be light and cheerful obviously never knew me as a child. The darkness in Grimm's tales was absolutely enthralling to me, and I was always most eager for the versions with more shadow than light.

4. The lessons. As in, if your sister tells you not to drink from a certain spring lest you turn into a wild animal, don't drink from it. Because you will turn into an animal, and you will cry, and no one wants that.

5. There's always a happy ending, you know, unless you live in modern day and would prefer that Cinderella become a prominent fashion designer, and not a decorative wife to some nondescript prince. But whether you covet the prize or not, you have to appreciate the sentiment.

Oh, and they also provide historical insight into the values of an "older civilization," but we won't get into that.

So, any obsessions you'd like to share?

Forget Smart

Okay, so I know that (in theory) the new age of technology is supposed to make all of us much brighter, well-rounded, well-informed citizens of the planet we call earth. And believe me, I know all the right things to read, listen to, watch, etc, to insure that I become one of these super-people (or snobs, depending on how you look at it.) But sometimes, I just need a break.

Enter shows like "Gossip Girl", "Kath and Kim", and others, movies such as "Get Smart", "Baby Momma", and "Momma Mia!" and any music that makes me want to dance, rather than nod my head in agreement. For the record, the fact that I have become so overtly snobified as of late has caused me to publicly mock possibly all these things, before eventually breaking down, giving in to my inner low-brow child, and finding out that, "Hi. I love them!"

Ask anyone in my family which movie I watch most frequently, and they will probably say "Just my Luck", "Moonstruck", or "Arthur." This is because these are movies that a) I enjoy, and b) I don't have to think about. Some of them are just plain bad ("Just my Luck" for instance, is clearly crap, but it's also just so pretty and ridiculous that I end up watching it over and over again,) Some have received critical acclaim ("Moonstruck") but are floated by some as simply "awful" (The Co-worker and I have had many a dispute over this very topic,) and some are just plain brilliant (seriously, I defy anyone to say anything negative about "Arthur." It's genius, end of discussion.)

The point I am trying to make is this: Though I once referred to my questionable taste as "being ironic", I am now confident enough to tell you, "It's OK if you don't want to be smart all the time. Naps are good. Trust me."